Tag: Personal Pronouns

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I been struggling with this blog. One day, two weeks ago I had this brilliant idea about gender identity which I immediately wrote down. I read it as soon as I finished because I thought I was being brilliant, and you always want to see that brilliant light shining. But, soon after I reread what I wrote, I realized that wasn’t what I meant to say it all. It’s really quite amazing how quickly your brilliant idea turns into dust.

Not to be defeated by a temporary memory problem. I kept coming back to this blog thinking the brilliant idea would return to me. What I wrote was close, just not quite right. If I spent enough time coming back to what I wrote I would, at some point, remember the idea and put these thoughts down. It hasn’t happened. I still am kind of murky on the great idea but I am getting closer.

I finally decided I can’t wait any longer and I am just going to do the best I can. Brace yourself because it isn’t going to be pretty but I think I can give you an idea of what I was thinking about.

I will get the rough stuff out of the way first. I don’t have much patience anymore for the right pronouns crowd. I will use your correct pronouns if you tell me. But I also am telling you that for now and the foreseeable future, I going to risk eyeballing it and make my own determination on pronouns. This means if I meet someone with a beard, I am going to assume that he identifies as a male because there is a pretty darn good chance that I am right which means I avoid a potentially awkward conversation with someone who I may have just met.

Social interactions are all about comfort and moving things along with a minimum of tension and awkwardness. You want to get their names right and not much else. Getting into a discussion about the appropriate pronouns could lead to messy conversations that I don’t want to have. Transgenderism is a relatively new and isolated phenomena. Yes, there have been people in the past, and there are past cultures open to different ways of looking at gender. Got it. But I happen to live in a culture heavily dominated by Western European thought. This thinking is, to say the least, entrenched into the society I live. If you expect to turn around 6,000 years of Western Civilization on a dime, you are in for some disappointment and, like I said before, I don’t want to have unnecessary messy conversations.

Western Culture strongly leans on the male/female gender identities. I have grown up in it as have almost everyone I know. It works for the vast majority of the population which includes Gay and Bisexual individuals. A very small percentage of the population suffer because of it. Society should do everything we can to lessen their suffering within reason. But to reorganize a society from top to bottom to protect the feelings of a small number of people is ludicrous and, more importantly, impossible to change without the acceptance of the society at large.

This hasn’t happened yet and how do we do it is important. Forcing shit down people’s throats is a horrible way to move forward and should be avoided if at all possible. Look at Western notions of beauty which I would argue are much more damaging to large swaths of the population and are still very much adhered to. If you ask 50 people from across the world to pick the most beautiful people in the world, I am betting that there will be an awful lot of overlap with who they select and it would look similar to what people thought over a 100 years ago. Which is my way of saying, don’t yell at Grandpa when he doesn’t know what you are talking about when you ask his pronoun preferences. Culture is difficult to change.

On the other hand, I am pretty excited about what I am seeing and hearing. I don’t know what it means and how far reaching it is but I think we could be entering a potentially culture changing epoch. I came face to face with this change this summer when I was at a restaurant in upstate New York where the host at a restaurant I was in was a young man wearing a dress. This is the first time I had seen a man in a dress outsides of a drag show.

It startled me. I am gay and live in California, if anyone should have encountered this before, I should have. But I hadn’t. It was completely new to me. I had to sit with it for a moment but soon enough I had forgotten about it and was enjoying an evening out with friends. It became none of my business awfully quick.

Then I remember hearing parents, almost always mothers but still parents, talking about their children, and I hear something I never heard when I was growing up. Parents who talk about their gay, lesbian and bisexual children and their experiences openly. Not as a secret to reveal but as little Sally has a girlfriend isn’t that sweet kind of conversation. The woman was talking about her high school aged daughter as a regular teenager and not as some kind of freak. I remember hearing a woman talking about her son dressing up as a girl character from Frozen without angst about his future. Something that was unlikely to have occurred in my childhood where one of my most traumatic memories is my father explaining to me why I shouldn’t be playing with dolls and the horrors my life would encounter if I continued on this path.

These are subtle changes that hint at a larger change going on which makes me a little hopeful about the future. The last 100 years or so we have seen a revolutionary image change of gender. The biggest changes has come in how society views women. In such a simple thing as what a woman can wear. There are no strict rules as far as I can tell for a women’s wardrobe. Slacks, men’s jeans, no bra, stiletto heals, a gun holster. Anything goes. A woman can run for president or be a housewife. There is still a long way to go but it is moving and in the right direction.

Our idea of what a man can wear might be next. Or even better how a man should act or what a real man is. The old rigid ideas about manhood might as last be falling.. If society finally opens up to a less rigid ideal, you might start seeing some pretty exciting developments regarding how straight men behave. You might see men comfortable enough to wear a dress when they feel like it. If there is no stigma any longer to sex with another men, you might see men opening themselves to experiences that society frowned upon and the ever present male fear of not being man enough broken down to something more human and manageable. I would never believed this was possible until I saw a man in a dress.

Once men can imagine themselves in different ways, it then might be important to inquire about someone’s preferences of persona pronouns and this is might very well be happening now.

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A BBC talk show guest recently corrected his host on the proper phrase for seaweed which is apparently marine algae. This is news to me as well. But Ok, yes, maybe seaweed is confusing and isn’t exactly the best way of saying it. On the other hand, people have been saying seaweed for thousands of years. These changes take time and most people don’t take kindly to lectures that make them appear stupid. Since the seaweed/marine algae isn’t a particularly urgent matter, it would be wise to put a lid on it.

It also give the Conservative Press a chance to point out the hectoring ways of some language policing Liberals. Since there are so many more important battles to fight, it would seem prudent to pick the right battles to exert our time and energy. Sometimes you have to fight losing battles but this isn’t one of them.

There is a better way to finesse this. You just start using the correct phrase when speaking with the interviewer. Then, the interviewer can respond to your phrasing and maybe even inquire more about why you prefer marine algae. But to do it in the corrective manner reported is ridiculous. All it does is make me want to say seaweed in the most annoying tone possible: seaweed, seaweed, seaweed. So there.

More importantly, you don’t change people’s minds by making them feel stupid. Once you’ve made someone feel stupid, they aren’t going to listen to a word you say. So, good you are are correct but you aren’t a very effective agent of change. People have to see why they need to change and then they do. Remember Ms? Or should I say, remember Mrs and Miss? Nobody uses Mrs and Miss any more. Ms is just easier. The moment people realized that they could just use Ms instead of inquiring about the woman’s preferred title, the battle was over. I might add that people changed to using Ms in a very short time.

This is also why I think the various personal pronoun options are doomed. It’s too complicated, you have to ask everyone you meet their preferred pronouns whereas, in the past, a quick visual assessment of a person’s gender did the trick and 99% of the time this works. Yes, you might, on a rare occasion, make a mistake but, by and large, you will get it right. I am certainly not going to ask a person for their preferred pronouns and risk getting my head bit off by someone who thinks preferred pronouns are a crap idea which, by the way, is most of middle America. If you want me to use something different, you are going to have to tell me. I will be happy to oblige.

In the meantime, I am telling you now I am not going down fighting to ensure people use the term marine algae for seaweed. Because my reply will be: Seaweed. Seaweed. Seaweed.

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I don’t know what Liberal/Progressive people are hoping to accomplish by continuing to argue overTrans-correct language. It just is not an issue for the American public. Poll it. I am sure it won’t even appear on any list of their concerns.

Even though it is a low priority issue, it keeps coming up as a problem. First with Bette Midler, then Senator Hawley, and now Fareed Zakaria. Zakaria was making the point that there are more important issues than personal pronouns and that the Democrats should focus on those instead of Trans-correct language. But, instead of taking Zakaria’s advice, Progressives heaped criticism on him. They accuse Zakaria of taking away trans rights. How? He is saying let’s not fight an election about the use of personal pronouns which seems, at least to me, an eminently sensible way for the Democrats to proceed. Zakaria, in no way, argued to take rights away from Trans people.

They also urged him to use more inclusive language. Everybody should change. They want Trans people to feel included in the larger discussions that they may include them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s the scolding of people who don’t know or don’t want to use Trans-correct language that is the problem. Midler and Zakaria are arguably more in line with Democratic Party thinking than the Republican Party. They are certainly more open to Trans people than Ron DeSantis and Ted Cruz. Yet they are lumped into the transphobic categorization with them. This is clearly wrong.

What is particularly alarming is these Progressives have absolutely no self awareness about how they are perceived among the American population who live outside of Berkeley. When Sen. Hawley and Dr. Bridges, the head of University California at Berkeley’s Law school, recently had a little dustup about Trans-correct language during a senate hearing on abortion, they think Dr. Bridges won. That isn’t what I thought. Sen. Hawley got her talking about Trans people which wasn’t even the issue under discussion and used up her time talking about something other than abortion rights. Then she said that by not using Trans inclusive phrases that Sen. Hawley was performing violence on transgender people.

She is saying that Sen. Hawley is being violent towards Trans people when he uses the word woman over Dr. Bridges’ preferred people with the capacity of pregnancy. What does she mean by violence? Her meaning of violence is different than my understanding of violence. When I think of violence, I think of a physical attack — a fist fight or a gun battle. Dr. Bridge means something different, something more subtle, and, unfortunately for her, something that the vast majority of American people won’t understand. She might as well be talking in a foreign language. As far as the term people with the capacity of pregnancy, she talks as if this term has been incorporated into every day use and that every civilized American is using it instead of woman.

I hate to break it to her, but very few regular Americans have made this change. Every time I hear something like people with the capacity of pregnancy, I have to stop and think who she is talking about. Then, I realize she is talking about women, or at least, mostly talking about women. Why not use women instead? But, no, Trans people might feel marginalized, we need to be inclusive. So in order to make sure Trans people feel included, she is oblivious to the feelings of large segments of the American population. While I am glad she is trying to make Trans people welcome, how about affording this same concern to seniors, latinos, suburban voters, blue collar workers and pro-choice Republicans. There are over 300 million Americans. There are two parties and each party has to persuade enough people to vote for them to lead the country. Trans people make up less than 1% of the country, while Senior voters make up 32 %. How does telling 70 year old woman that she should be using the word menstruator instead of woman at all helpful to winning elections?

What Zakaria is warning about is simple. If you make this election about using Trans-inclusive language then you are going to lose the election. The nation is at a critical crossroads, the Democrats need to win elections in order to turn the country around. To do anything else is criminal negligence. The Democrats still may lose, but it would be better to loose over something that engages the interest of the American People and not a side issue that a small minority care about. If they do make using the correct personal pronouns a focus of their campaign, they will surely lose. And, I am afraid, they will deserve to lose.

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This emphasis on Trans-Correct speaking is making me crazy. Mostly, because it is a diversion from issues that the vast majority of Americans are focused on and, unfortunately, the Democrats keep taking the bait. I wrote last week about the recent dust up with Bette Midler complaining about the use of such terms as menstruators and birthing people. Now a University of California law professor has gotten into a dispute over the same issue with Sen. Hawley. The worrisome point is that many liberals are saying that Dr. Bridges wiped the floor with Sen. Hawley – see https://talkingpointsmemo.com/morning-memo/hawley-transphobia-senate-witness-hearing

Dr Bridges may have made her point but I don’t think it matters. Sen. Hawley wanted to show how out of touch liberals are with regular Americans. Regular Americans, unbeknownst to Trans activists and their supporters, use the term woman when talking about abortion rights and health issues impacting women. Dr. Bridges uses the more inclusive term of “people with the capacity of pregnancy” instead. She believes that this new more inclusive term recognizes the existence of trans people and makes their lives better.

However, for the last thousand years or so, the English language used the word women. Trans activists have campaigned for using the more inclusive term in the past few years but this argument is on-going and is far from settled. I personally don’t know anyone who uses the term “people with the capacity of pregnancy” when they mean women and I am gay liberal Democrat living in California. This is the trifecta for exposure to liberal culture changes. A lot more work needs to be done before this more inclusive term is the accepted standard in the country.

Until then, most Americans will continue to use the word woman. This matters and matters greatly in that we are going into a mid-term election which historically go against the party who holds the White House. It hurts even more that Biden is unpopular and people, even Democrats, want a change. Then there is inflation and a stalled economy. Economic issues almost always take precedence during a bad economy. This is, without a doubt, going to be a very tough election for Democrats to win. The past few months have provided some options in regard to the election with the Supreme Court overrule of Roe and the continuing problem of gun violence. These seem like better issues to argue about, and, even better, they are issues where we stand with a majority of the American people.

On the other hand, what percentage of U.S. population really cares about using Trans-correct terms in speaking? I would guess not very many. I haven’t seen it come up in any discussions that the American people are weighing in on. It just isn’t the battle to be fighting right now. Which means even if Dr. Bridges wiped the floor with Sen. Hawley, Dr. Bridges was forced to talk about Trans inclusive language (not a particularly winning election issue) over abortion rights (an issue the Republicans are on the defensive about). She also tells Sen. Hawley that he is doing violence to Trans people. I don’t think that most Americans understand her point. She may be correct but does anyone other than a small cadre of Trans activists see it and does it do our side any good to be talking about it. I think not.

There might be some feel good experience for losing the good fight but this election is the absolute wrong time to be fighting it. The Republican Party can not be trusted with leading a government. It would be a complete dereliction of duty to go down over personal pronouns and Trans-correct terms. In order to win, Democrats need to get seniors and moderates and suburban voters. People who may not even know what the Trans discussion is about and who may be alienated by the idea that using the word women to describe “people with the capacity of pregnancy” is transphobic. Fighting over these low-interest issues does not serve the Democrat’s purpose. This is precisely why the Republicans continue to bring them up. But I, for one, am completely over losing elections over issues that don’t matter to most American – particularly if it is all about getting little old ladies to use “people with the capacity of pregnancy” over women.

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Early polling for the November elections look bad for the Democrats. The economy is suffering from inflation and the Democrats are in charge. They are going to get the blame. It is frustrating and familiar. I, also, can accept that.

If the Democrats must go down to defeat, let’s lose on issues that matter to the general population and avoid the trap the Republicans are setting with peripheral issues. Democrats should focus on abortion rights, gun control and health care. Issues they still can lose on, but issues that could pull in enough voters to win.

But to lose on Don’t Say Gay, Defund the Police or correct pronoun use would be senseless mistake.

I am gay. I see the importance of it being able to say gay in school. The Republicans didn’t frame it that way — they said we just don’t want sexuality being discussed in the classroom. Because Gov DeSantis cleverly eluded to not wanting to talk about trans or gay sex, opponents of the law came up with the slogan Don’t Say Gay. Which is exactly the chant DeSantis wants protesters saying. I expect most people would scratch their heads and ask why do they want to say Gay to a 2nd grader. This isn’t the impression we want to give. What we mean is if a 2nd Grader sees another kid with two Moms or two Dads that the teacher can give an explanation suitable for a 2nd Grader. There just isn’t an easy way to say something so nuanced in a slogan but I can assure you that Don’t Say Gay misses the mark.

The same complaint can be said for Defund the Police. When people hear that they think that you want to end all police protection. That isn’t it at all. Defund the Police is about moving resources to people who can better handle different situations. Police now are saddled with an array of responsibilities other than crime fighting. A lot of these problems would be better handled by mental health professionals or social workers. This would allow the police to focus on crime while also hopefully stopping these situations from getting violent. Try to make a slogan out of that. But Defund the Police isn’t it. If you have to constantly explain why you want to do away with the police, then your slogan is terrible, it is alienating potential voters and you should stop using it. Immediately.

This brings me to personal pronouns. When I first started reading about the pronoun issue I had no idea what people were talking about. What was a pronoun? I know I learned about them many years ago but, for the life of me, why were they creating such a fuss. After I reacquainted myself with what pronoun was, my first thought is why are we even talking about this. The first time someone introduced their pronouns along with their name to me, I was baffled. Why is she saying she/her after her name? Then I recalled that this was part of the new way to introduce yourself. You give your name and your personal pronouns. But is middle America actually buying this? Are they going to vote for a candidate that wants to put the proper use of person’s pronoun as a priority issue. Yes, people should honor people’s preferences on their pronouns, however is it worth losing an election over? I am emphatically no on this one.

In order to run government, political parties have to win elections. Given the political structure of the United States, this means getting votes across a large and diverse country. Now you may not like it. You may think the Electoral College and the Senate give too much power to smaller rural states and is unfair to larger urban states. I happen to agree with you. However the system is the system. It doesn’t change because you don’t like it. That means we have to live with it until we can change it. The only way to change the system is to win elections. This means biting your tongue when necessary in order to concentrate on the issues that will bring as many voters to your candidate as possible.

Political parties can choose which battles to fight. Just because Republicans are laying traps for the Democrats to fall in, doesn’t mean we have to be fooled. Let’s not go down to defeat over personal pronouns when we can focus on abortion or gun control or better health care. Issues we might be able to persuade enough voters to win. Losing this election, particularly at this dangerous time, is irresponsible and I am afraid that the Democrats might be doing that.