I am about to confess something horrible about myself. I am warning you in case you want to opt out of further reading. I totally understand. Nobody likes to hear people’s confessions. Oh you think it will be fun at first, hearing people’s deepest darkest secrets but I am pretty sure it turns in to repetitive stories about self abuse on lonely Saturday nights and deliberately not ringing up an item at the self check out at the grocery store. So, believe me I understand. 

Any way my confession. Bob and I are looking into pre-paying our funerals because, well, I am told it is the right thing to do. I agree in principle but I am finding myself really reluctant to commit. It isn’t fear about talking about death either which would be a legitimate reason for avoiding the purchase. I, in fact, researched the costs with three different companies and talked in more depth with one woman. 

No, it isn’t fear. It is greed. Every time I think about paying for my funeral I think why I am paying for this? Shouldn’t my heirs? I mean I am giving them money, the least they can do is pay for my funeral. I would much rather they take it out of their cut from my will than for me to give up the money now when I can be buying expensive cocktails at overpriced restaurants.

Furthermore, what do I care about disposing of my body. I mean. Shit. I am dead. Do I have to do everything? Do what ever you want with my body but really why should I spend the precious time I have left figuring that out. Fuck it. All I can say is – if you can have some fun with my dead body, have at it as nothing would please me more than knowing that my body came in handy for a few practical jokes. Otherwise, who cares and why should I be the one to do something about it? What are they going do about if I don’t, I will be dead. 

I can’t get the proper motivation to do anything about it. I know this sounds terrible. The reoccurring explanation for pre-planning is do you want your loved ones, who are in mourning, to figure this all out during this really sad, possibly traumatic, moment in their life and, again, I am sorry to say, yeah why not. I mean their day has already been ruined with my death. Why should I ruin my day too by paying for it. Besides, planning my funeral might give them an opportunity to take their minds off the large empty void my absence will cause in their lives and focus on something really important — getting me in the ground so they can go out and spend whatever is left of my 401K. And, since I am already making confessions and this make me even a worse person, I am genuinely planning to have no money left when I leave this mortal coil. So I will be sticking my heirs with the full funeral costs out of their pocket book. Sorry heirs.