The refrigerator’s ice machine stopped working. Bob called customer service to get help. The customer service department is located in a country where English is not the primary language. I have no objection to this as long as the person can speak English. Bob’s Customer Service agent was incapable of understanding what he needed and botched the information that Bob gave him. In order for the agent to understand the problem, Bob was forced into a back and forth where Bob corrected the agent’s frequent misunderstandings of what Bob was saying but Bob stuck with him in the hope that the agent would eventually get it right. Unfortunately, the Customer Service Rep got it wrong which required a second phone call to clarify the details. All which Bob had given in the previous call. A service call was arranged for a week down the road.

The refrigerator is brand new. Someone probably accidentally touched the wrong button and the ice machine got turned off. A service person will push the button and all will be good. The problem is that it took numerous phone calls, long waits for available Customer Service Reps, call backs and a long wait for service people. All this work, which will probably be resolved by a service person pushing the right button, in order for the ice machine to deliver ice. This is not good customer service.

Bad customer service doesn’t seem to trouble most companies. My eyes were opened to this twenty years ago when I had a friend who managed a customer service department. She didn’t have enough staff. This meant that anybody who called in had to wait in a queue, sometimes for longer than an hour, to actually talk to a Customer Service Rep. It got so bad that the corporate heads decided that a certain percentage of callers would get a busy signal. They weren’t even given the opportunity to wait for over an hour to speak to someone. They were just told to call back later. Now if management was getting more staff, a call back later might sound like a good option. But management had no intention of getting more staff. All they were offering was calling back at a later time to wait in a long queue or to be ignored. I repeat this is not good customer service.

Customer Service departments are almost always dealing with problems with the product or the service. Customer Service Reps are supposed to solve the problem and rescue the companies good name with the customer by doing so. This, at least in theory, is the whole reason for Customer Service departments. What we are getting now are long waits in phone queues, busy signals and a long conversation with someone who has difficulty even understanding what you’re saying. This shows you how interested companies are in resolving your problem. Not much.

My doctor told me to get a home blood pressure machine because my blood pressure was borderline high. I could monitor it with this machine. Well, I can now tell him what is causing my blood pressure to go up — looking for a doctor.

All I want is an eye doctor. My old eye doctor doesn’t take medicare, so I must find a new one. I went to the Medicare web site. Or, at least, I thought I went to the right website. There are two large groups of physicians in San Diego — Scripps and Sharp. My medicare card says Mercy which I assumed belong to Scripps because you always hear Scripps Mercy. This may or may not be right because I couldn’t speak to an actual person, I was live chatting.

After a bit of to and fro with the live chat lady, I finally asked is this the right number for Mercy Physician Group. She helpfully replied, “Sort of” and gave me a CS service number where I can talk to an actual person. I called it and was told to leave my number and that somebody would call me back soon. Soon. I don’t like the sound of that but I left my number any way.

In the meantime I now know that the surest way to raise my blood pressure is to try to find a doctor in my plan. Not a total loss that.

I received $700 tax refund from California last year. Uncle Sam never got a chance to tax it so they wanted a chance this year. I needed a 1099 tax form from the state of California about this money in order to file my federal taxes. This is a tax form that California distributes by the millions each year. They have a record of it, they have the form prepared, they probably already sent it to me, I just can’t locate it. Sounds like a simple transaction. Well, you would be wrong. It took me a day and half of increasingly frustrating communication with the California Franchise Tax board who, I might add, did very little to assist me.

I first went to their web site. All Customer Service queries these days must start on line. If you don’t start on line, you will be reminded constantly to do so. Their recording will tell you that it is easier and faster. Although this hasn’t always been my experience this seemed like an easy enough request that an on line solution seemed perfectly reasonable. All I wanted was a tax document that millions of Californians receive every year. The document is already created and waiting for me. Of course, the website was a confusing array of options and explanations. After about half hour of reading, I was able to learn that I could have instant access to my tax documents if I created a personal profile for the site.

All right then, I tried to create a user ID and password. Except that somewhere in the distant past I must have already created a user ID because the website messaged me that my email address already had a user ID and password. Great. I check my list of user IDs and passwords which, before you tell me, I realize is not a secure way to deal with passwords. But damnit, I’ve tried to synchronize my User ID’s and passwords across all web sites I used. Honestly. Please believe me but they became out of sync almost instantaneously because some sites require frequent changes in the passwords, or won’t allow you to use the same password, all for very real security reasons although I am sure a seasoned hacker can get into my accounts faster than I can so what is the point. Any way I was in a bind because I didn’t remember my password or ID for the California Franchise Tax Board.

What’s a person to do? Well, I went to the link called “Forgot your used ID or Password.” The California Franchise Tax Board outsourced their security questions to a credit check company. These are not questions like your mother’s maiden name. They are questions like did you live at the following street address in 1979. I muddled through the first two questions. I was kind of proud that I could remember my university days address. The last question, however, stumped me. It gave a list of last names and asked me to put a check mark by all the names I have used to get credit. Since most of the names were not Fitzpatrick, I thought this would be simple. I was wrong. On the list was a version of Fitzpatrick but badly misspelled something like Ifitzaptrck. I have had my name misspelled before on a credit card but never recalled it being that badly misspelled so I didn’t check it and, because of that, I then failed the security check. They would need me to send me the my user ID and password through the mail. Why this is safer, eludes me, but I couldn’t ask anyone to explain.

Increasingly frustrated, I noticed that there was an on line chat. I always try the chat before calling because modern customer service departments discourage phone conversations at all costs. They want you to use web sites and on line tools. They have invested a lot of money into technology that prevents you from actually talking to someone and damnit they are going to make sure you use it. I started my chat with an explanation of my very simple need — a tax document verifying I received money from California. The customer service agent who responded to my chat gave me a phone number I should call and that department would help me with my request. I was delighted to hear. They want me to call them. I will talk to a person who will realize that this is a simple request, the person will push a few buttons and I will get my document. Again, I was wrong.

The phone tree announcement was the most complicated phone tree I have ever encountered with minutes of explanation and options and warnings to listen carefully because their options have changed recently. I focused completely on my options. I heard what I thought was my option, I pressed the button which sent me into another phone tree with even more options. I picked one of them and I went to another phone tree, so I kept pressing options until, and I have no rational explanation for what happened so don’t ask me, I found myself back at the introductory announcement giving me the same long explanation and the same numerous buttons to press. I tried pressing different buttons to see if this would connect me with an actual person. It didn’t. No matter what I did, the phone tree sent me back to the introductory message. So I started screaming agent, customer service, operator and any other word I could think of that might cause a human being to answer my query. I waited and waited, my screams turned into whimpers and eventually a recorded message came on telling me I hadn’t made a valid choice, thanking me for my call and disconnecting me. I tried two other times — always ending with them disconnecting me.

So, I decided to try the chat line to see if they can help me either a better phone number or just send me the damn forms. My chat agent told me that I needed to call the phone number I had just called to receive the document. I explained that nobody is answering. She said try first thing in the morning as there won’t be as much competition for customer service agents. I said answering isn’t the problem, the phone tree never gives me an agent to speak with. It always disconnects me. She insisted I had to call back. I asked if she could give my number to someone who could call me back. She said I had to call directly as they had to verify I could request the form besides she was only supposed to answer simple questions. All I wanted was one measly document that I know they send to millions of Californians every year. What could be more simple than that. Apparently she disagreed because she disconnected my chat.

I decided to give up and try calling in the morning. For some reason, again I have no rational explanation of why, I press a bunch of buttons successfully and instead of going back to first announcement, it takes me to a living breathing human being. After a bunch of questions about what she would see on my tax form — middle initial, my address, etc. — she relents and decides to send me the tax document I wanted but I would have to wait for U.S. Mail to deliver it. I ask how long I would have to wait. She said 14 days. This is cutting it close for the day taxes are due (OK, so yeah that one is my fault. I own it). I asked if she could send a PDF copy to me immediately instead. She pauses. I don’t think she knows what a PDF document is. Instead of allowing me to explain, she tells me I have to wait for the document in the mail, thanks me, and then disconnects.

This is terrible customer service:

1. It is makes the customer do all of the work.
2. If a person is calling, they have probably tried the website and the chat line, they need to talk to someone. Give them an easy option that allows them to talk to someone.
3. If you are telling people a better time to call is in the morning, you are acknowledging you don’t have enough employees and that you deliver terrible customer service. Why do I have to call in the morning to get an agent to talk with me? It doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in your service.
4. Making them run through a phone tree that gives long explanation of how to use the system says your phone tree is too complicated for the average person to plow through. It is confusing and frustrating.
5. Saying that your website, chat line, and phone service are quick and easy doesn’t make it so. The customer makes that decision not you. Stop messaging that the customer might have better luck with web site or on line chat. It is irritating. The only person who is getting quick and easy service in this scenario is the Customer Service Department.
6. If a person says they are having trouble with your system, help the customer. The system isn’t going to work for everyone. Don’t force a frustrated person to continue to use a system that clearly isn’t working for them. Yes, the customer may be a technophobe but then they are still a customer and they still need help. Making them even more frustrated is helping your reputation as a business and certainly isn’t providing the customer with any service.

So there.

.

My doctor sent me a bill for $1, 300. My insurance company had denied my claim with a code 23. Code 23 means that the bill exceeded the insurance company’s contractual agreement. This could mean that the insurance company and the doctor are going to duke it out and I need to wait to find out who pays or it could mean that I have to pay. It wasn’t clear from either the doctor’s bill or the insurance company’s denial.

I go to the insurance company’s web site because the insurance company doesn’t want you calling them. They do everything to discourage it. If you ever do call, a recorded message will encourage you to go to their web site for faster service. I try finding my answer on their web site. They explain in minute detail about what they will pay for. I am sure that the author is a lawyer trying to help the company fend off law suits and not by a person interested in answering an actual person’s customer service question. After reading as many explanations as I can stay awake for, I realize I still have no idea who is supposed to pay the bill. On the plus side, if some pissy customer service agent asks whether I tried using the company’s website, and they do ask that question, I feel like I can truthfully answer yes I tried.

The doctor’s bill is due in a week or so. I am not going to pay the bill until I find out who is responsible. If you pay the bill, both the doctor and the insurance company loose interest in the answer. Unless you plan to spend hours on the phone arguing about this, never pay the bill until you know you need to pay the bill. Someone has to be waiting to be paid in order for you to get any action and it is best it is the doctor and not you. I wait a couple of days to see if I get a revised bill from the doctor with the insurance payment or directions that I am indeed responsible.

The revised bill never comes. Which is a crisis. I now have to call the insurance company’s Customer Support for an answer. This will consume a good hour of me waiting on hold, getting transferred to several other customer support agents, and explaining my story numerous time. I prepare for the call — get a few snacks in case I get hungry, find some chores that can be done on my computer while I wait and have every document I need ready for any questions I might receive. Once I am fully prepared, I make my call.

The recorded greeting directs me to the website. The message assures me that it will be faster than waiting for a customer support agent. I want to scream I have tried the website already that is why I am calling, stop telling me to use it when it was useless. I restrain myself as it is pointless to scream at the recorded greeting, I continue to listen for further instructions which brings me to dreaded phone tree.

You climb the phone tree in order to get routed to the correct person. This is rarely my experience. First, and most importantly, you have to listen carefully to your options. If you lose focus even for a second, you might miss your option. You can then find yourself listening to dead air with no way to get back to the tree or having to leap from the tree and begin climbing again. Instead of starting over, I have found randomly depressing a number sometimes connects you to a person. It might not be the right person but then they will help you to the right person. And, really, chances are you, even if you used the phone tree, you were going to wind up with the wrong customer service agent any way, so this is actually a time saver.

Anyway, I listen to my phone tree options with laser like focus because I know this was going to be a long call. I go through the phone tree options. I choose one that best fits my need and I am finally connected to a person. Step one complete.

The first Customer Service representative was perplexed. He was confused about the denial. He saw the same explanation I saw but couldn’t determine who should pay the outstanding amount. He asks me to hold. He doesn’t actually put me on hold though so I hear the whispered conversation he has with a nearby associate. After five minutes of this, and without letting me know, he puts me on hold. I know I am still connected because I begin to hear recordings again which includes a message about using the company’s website for faster service and also letting me know that the company had just won some customer service award for customer satisfaction. I find this difficult to believe. Ten minutes later the customer service agent returns to tell me he needs help from a supervisor, can I continue to hold.

I put the phone on speaker and continue with my chores. After another ten minutes, the Rep comes back on the line and tells me he has to transfer me to another Customer Service Rep at another office to answer my question because the phone tree directed me to wrong person. I am no longer a company employee and I am using COBRA to pay for my company insurance. Which seems like a pretty lame answer because I am paying to have exactly the same insurance as someone who is an employee of the company. I get exactly the same benefits as an employee. Also if COBRA employees should call a different number is the one I should call, why does my insurance card give his number. An awkward silence follows, until exasperated with the absence of an explanation, I agree to be transferred. Before the Rep transfers me, he gives me the right phone number to call in case he accidentally disconnects me during the transfer process. This is not reassuring.

The new Rep answers and proceeds to irritate me. He is way too friendly for my taste. He speaks American Bro like we are old pals and not a customer and a company representative tasked with helping the customer with a problem. I don’t encourage him whatsoever. But he is one determined dude. He spends a good five minutes trying to connect with me. He notices I live in San Diego and talks about a trip he took to San Diego many years ago. He loved San Diego. I mutter a few monosyllable answers when he feels it important to include me in the conversation but, for the most part, he doesn’t really need my participation. He is on speaker and I am doing other things and I can wait for him to exhaust his faux friendliness.

He finally winds down and asks me what my problem is. This makes me a little testy. I tell him that I have already explained it to the other Rep, didn’t the other Rep explain it to him. Maintaining his Bro demeanor, he lets me know that he just wants to make sure he has the correct information. I want to ask him to just give me the information he has because I suspect he doesn’t have any information whatsoever. But I’m pretty sure the Bro would try to bond further with me so I surrender. I explain,for a second time, my problem.

He does some quick tapping on his keyboard and then stops talking. The first time he has stopped talking since we connected. I hear the clickity clack of typing on a keyboard, an audible “this is interesting” and then he told me he was going to put me a hold for a moment. I wait. Like the previous Rep, he doesn’t put me on hold. I hear him talking to the person next to him. After about five minutes of a whispered back and forth, Bro tells me he has to talk to his supervisor and for me to continue to hold. This time he means business because I hear the recording which tells me that I can get faster service if I go to the website.

After another 10 minutes, Bro comes back on the line. “Mr. Fitzpatrick.”

I knew I was in trouble then. Nobody calls you Mr. when they have good news. He asks if he can give me a call back in a few minutes as he is still trying to determine who is responsible for paying the bill. I give him my phone number. He tells me he will call back in a few minutes. Then, because I have had problem with insurance companies and doctors not leaving messages on my recorder because they don’t know if other people use the phone and they are afraid they will be sued for divulging private information, I tell him, “that he can leave a message on my recorder if I don’t answer.” He assures me it will only be a few minutes and that he can give me an answer. He wants to give me this information directly. I tell him it is unnecessary to speak to me directly if, for some reason I don’t answer, all I need to know is who is responsible for the $1,300.

“Mr. Fitzpatrick just know I have taken a personal interest in this and I will get back with you by the end of the day.” I thank him for his help and wait for Bro to call back.

He doesn’t.

I call back the next day. I will spare you the ordeal of the recorded messages, the phone tree, and the transfers even though the original Customer Service rep gave me the correct phone number to call. I finally get a supervisor who explained code 23. She tells me that, even though the code as defined by her company means that bill exceeds the insurance company’s contractual agreement, what it really means is that I hadn’t met my deductible yet. I asked her why the company didn’t use a code that says I haven’t met my deductible instead as I would have understood this immediately and it would have saved me hours of customer service calls. She said technically code 23 is correct because the cost did exceed the contractual agreement regarding my deductible. I asked then why doesn’t anyone at her company know this. I spoke with two different reps who spoke with their associates and supervisors and nobody seemed to know this all encompassing meaning of code 23.

She gives this a think and then replies, “I will let my supervisor know.” She isn’t going to engage in a pointless argument with me over bureaucratic mumbo jumbo that she doesn’t have the answer for. She can’t do anything about it, so she lets me know that she will pass on my complaint to someone who could. I am absolutely positive she did not tell her supervisor.

Last week Frontier Airlines announced they eliminated their phone customer service. From now on, customers will have to get information electronically or with live chat. They believe that their digital communications system will “ensure our customers get the information they need as expeditiously and efficiently as possible.” How they determined “expeditiously” is beyond me? My personal experience with web sites is mixed at best. Yes, sometimes, I can find my answer quickly. More often than not though, my digital communications encounters are a trip into Internet Hell. Not all situations are the same. Reconfirming a booking is easy electronically. Correcting an error in a booking is a different story altogether.

This is particularly irksome in situations when I know a company employee can answer my question almost immediately — saving me time, ensuring that I have a clear understanding of my situation and stopping me from frustrated searches through numerous web pages. I guess it is pretty selfish of me to want a quick answer from a company employee when I can just as easily spend hours searching for the right page. Frontier, will counter that there is live chat if I need to reach the company directly. But, and here is my big problem with live chat, I only contact the airline when the digital tools they provided me have failed to help me. I only call when I am desperate. So, while live chat may be an option, by the time I resort to it, I am already frustrated and I just want help. At this point, typing out the details of my questions is just fueling my anger about the lack of help I have already received.

I want to talk to a person when I reach this level of frustration. It makes me feel better. I know that the company understands my problem and I know that someone is working on my problem. But, you say, Live Chat can do that too. It is exactly the same thing except you are communicating through the web instead of a phone. Maybe but I prefer talking to a person and Frontier won’t let me because its position is incredibly limited to the point of arrogance, they are forcing customers to use their digital tools. If a customer has the temerity to call their customer service phone number, the system will eventually hang up on them. Disconnecting customers who want to use the phone is irritating and insulting particularly when last week your company would have answered those same calls.

What irritates me the most is the glaringly dishonest corporate spin that introduced this change in service. The notion that Frontier is providing the the same level of customer service, if not better, than the company delivered before is quite clearly wrong. Nobody hung up on a customer’s phone call a week ago. This is a cost cutting exercise and it has nothing to do with better customer service. So don’t tell me I am smelling roses when I know it is bullshit.

Many years back, so long that I can’t remember exact dates, Bob and I were forced by our insurance company to get an alarm system. No alarm system, no reasonably priced insurance. Bob determined that the reduced price of the insurance would offset the additional price of the alarm system so we took the plunge. I write this because while it is comforting to know that if we have an emergency (Break In, Fire, or Radon Gas) an alarm will ring, the truth is the system has served as an annoyance more than a comfort. The alarms have gone off for a variety of reasons other than a genuine emergency. Wind blowing a badly closed door opens, someone leaving the house and forgetting to disarm the alarms, burning food in the kitchen and low batteries are just a few of the examples. This means when we hear the alarms sounding we usually think why is that goddamn system going off now.

The other day, we heard a chirping noise. We ignored it. Then we heard a few heart stopping blares, then back to the chirping. Much to our chagrin, we paused our television program that, by the way, was getting really good, to search for a reason. We discovered that the batteries in the fire alarm were low. We changed the batteries. The chirping noise stopped, the heart stopping blare stopped, so, problem solved. Or not. The warning light on our console now was telling us that the alarm system was tampered with. Initially, we thought it was a simple matter of acknowledging the error and the system would reset. It didn’t reset. We tried numerous times. Nothing worked. Left with no other options, we called the alarm company’s customer support.

You know the routine, phone tree, press button 1 if you want, and after a minute or two we were connected to a nice person who tried to help us. Before we could talk to the agent, we had to verify that we were indeed the owners of the house. Bob gave our profile information and the secret code that confirms our ownership and allows the tech person to talk with us about our problem. The tech support person suspected that I hadn’t screwed the alarm all the way back into the ceiling when changing the batteries. I get on the ladder, notice that there was indeed a slight gap between the apparatus and the ceiling. Good, maybe she was right. I tried to screw it in. It doesn’t move. I twist, I turn, the apparatus doesn’t move. Bob tries. He, too, is unable to move the alarm. It is a very delicate mechanism and we are afraid that we are going to break the alarm as we tug, pull, twist and curse it to no avail. We let the agent know our concerns and she tells us it would be better off if we didn’t break it because then we would have to buy it. We agreed with her.

We were actually happy customers now except for the error notice on the console. Bob told her that the alarm seems to be working as there were no more chirping noises or heart stopping blares from the alarm. All we wanted was for the noises to stop. The noises have stopped, so we were happy to end the call there. She informed us that the noised could return after we end the call. Bob asked her to just turn off the alarm in the central system. This was, for some reason, impossible. She tried to explain. I still can’t understand her explanation but Bob seemed to. I deferred to his judgement. She told us that we need to disconnect the system’s battery to insure that the noises would stay stopped. Bob goes to where the alarm’s central system is in our house. She told him to look for the green battery. Bob doesn’t see a green battery and, on closer inspection, the battery he does find with the alarm system doesn’t appear to be connected to the system at all.

Seeing that this going nowhere fast, she tells us so schedule a tech person to come out and fix our system. Bob, thinking logically, I believe, asked her to schedule us. She can’t schedule service call, she handles customer support problems. She needed to transfer us to the scheduling department which she kindly did. The man who answers asked us for the profile information and the secret code that identifies Bob as the owner of the house. Bob explained the problem again. The scheduler was stumped because he was at a central number and this was an urgent matter. If he were to schedule through the central scheduling system it would take a week or more before he could get an open date for someone to come out to us. He said we needed to contact someone at local tech support in order to get faster service. He doesn’t understand why the central tech person transferred us to central scheduling in the first place. It would have been easier for her to have contacted the local tech person who would then call us. Why didn’t she take care of this? Bob, unfortunately, can’t explain the tech person thinking. The scheduler tells us he needs to send us back to the tech team so they can schedule someone locally. Bob asks will he have to repeat the problem. The man assures him that he won’t.

But Bob did have to give the new tech person his personal profile details and the secret code which showed he was the owner of the house. Once supplied, the new tech person was stumped because the scheduling agent sent us to the wrong company. Apparently, the parent company had gobbled up a bunch of other alarm companies so it could become the biggest alarm company in the whole damn world. So while she worked for the parent company technically, the different companies still stored their information in different computer systems. She didn’t have access to our information. She was perplexed on why the man would send us to her in the first place. Bob couldn’t help her with an answer.

She transferred us to another very nice woman who, after Bob supplies his personal details and his secret code, is from the right alarm company and can help us. She reads us the notes the other agents have been taking so we have some assurance that people have been listening to us and documenting the information. She has to notify a local tech person to schedule a visit. They will have to talk to us because they will need to squeeze us in between the already scheduled customers and will need to talk to us in person in order to do this. She tells us that this usually takes no more than 24 hours for them to return a call.

What about the chirping noise and the heart stopping blare which we haven’t heard since starting this marathon phone call and the only reason we have pursued this matter further was we wanted to make sure these noises were stopped. She didn’t really know for sure. It could work fine until the local tech person came to reset. Or the chirping and the heart stopping blare could resume after we hung up. She told us to call back if the noises began again. Bob assured her we would.

The within 24 hour response came 70 hours later. The return call was from the central tech support and not the local tech support. This was baffling since the whole reason for us asking local tech support to call us was because the central scheduling department told us it was an urgent matter and we would get a much faster service call locally. But, never mind. She then asked if we could wait a few more tiny days. Since the chirping and the heart stopping blare were quiet for now, we could. It is, however, amusing to think that if the original scheduler, who didn’t want us to wait a week for an appointment, had only scheduled an appointment when we first called him, we would have probably gotten faster service than we were going to get by waiting for the local tech support to squeeze us into their schedule. But, yet again, never mind.